Wonderful Graces

This is a journal I wrote January 7, 2013.

I write it after I read a John Piper Devotional based on Acts 14:22:
"Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God."

"We should not be surprised that God gives us wonderful graces in the midst of suffering that we had asked Him to spare us. He knows best how to apportion His grace for our good and for His glory." Piper

Piper always puts things so beautifully. We did indeed ask God to spare us this miscarriage--we wanted this baby so badly, but God knew better. He knows our desires for He gave them to us. But God knows what we need in this time--He knows how we need to trust Him more and desire for His will more than our own. Through this I do pray that God would be made known and glorified, though how yet, I do not know. Our hearts are sad and grieving.

My heart is also touched when Piper used "grace" in the plural form and that he described it as "wonderful." In the midst of our present suffering, God had certainly gifted us many graces. The foremost being salvation--Jesus who came to save and take our sin so that we can be pure before our Father. Other graces that have also blessed us recently include--God's love and immense comfort, His (our)church, encouraging friends and family, bosses that care, the ability to pray, purpose in suffering--to name a few [and in no particular order :)] Without God and these graces, I can't imagine what my thoughts would be like or how I would feel. Though deeply saddened, I am at peace, and though in pain I am comforted. I do not question this for I trust God's plan. But I do pray for a heart that is genuinely willing to accept whatever plan that will be.

Although I greatly desire to be a mother, I know that it is not the most important role for me to fill. I must focus on being an obedient and thankful daughter to our great King, and a loving and supportive wife to my incredible husband whom I do not deserve. I am deserving of non of these which gives me the reason to be all the more thankful as well as plenty of motivation to fulfill these roles  to my best with joy and thankfulness.

Fulfilling the role of a mother would be a gift; so until then, I wait, and ask you, Father, for the strength and right mind to complete the blessingS that you have so graciously placed before me.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for kmy power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that lthe power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 mFor the sake of Christ, then, nI am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. Forowhen I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Here We are Again . . .

We are in a situation of loss that we were really hoping we wouldn't be in again. But, we are here now, 14 months later, and learning to deal with another miscarriage all over again.

This second time has been different from the first for many reasons. One is that we were more fearful, and therefore had a harder time getting excited about the pregnancy. Brandon and I experienced the most differences here. Because my body was changing and I was feeling sick and so forth, it was a little easier for me to get excited. Brandon really struggled though because he obviously couldn't feel those things and was trying to protect us emotionally. Secondly, we tried to seek affirmation early on in the pregnancy. We were very anxious to see the baby growing a heart beat and probably spent more time in the doctor's office than we should, but God used that, and I will share about that later. Third, the baby only grew to about 6-7 weeks (last time it grew to 9 weeks). And fourth, because of the third reason and because we, again, found out ahead of time that the pregnancy was turning into a miscarriage, we decide to allow things to pass naturally instead of having a procedure. This turned in to being quite a different experience.

Thankfully, though, a huge similarity is that God has again protected us, sustained us, and has and we know will continue to carry us through this loss. Because of all that we've learned and will continue to learn, we would like to share this journey with you--whomever you may be. We pray that God will use this experience to strengthen your faith as He has done to ours, or maybe show you that He is real and powerful and worth following, and also show that how leaning on others is such a huge help in dealing with emotional and physical pain.

So stay tuned, we have a lot to share . . .

" The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him." Psalm 28:7